


Broken Man

by King_of_Clubs



Series: The Walking Dead Game [1]
Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Aasim is struggling, Aftermath of Torture, Based off of my third save file, Episode: s04e03 Broken Toys, F/M, Louis has PTSD, Mute Louis, Psychological Torture, Romance Louis But Save Violet, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Torture Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-12 22:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17476415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/King_of_Clubs/pseuds/King_of_Clubs
Summary: Louis always talked too much, he knew that. He just didn't think this is what his friends meant.My third save was heartbreaking, and now you guys have to suffer it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oof, I hope you enjoy this shitty, emotional mess I made.

    Louis glanced around the cell where he, Omar, and Aasim were locked up in, and he noticed that Omar was shaking and hyperventilating. He walked over and sat by him, the boy was freaking out, and Louis knew that would only end in disaster, so he smiled, because who is a friend if they don’t try and help.

    “Hey, Omar. Hey, it’s gonna be okay. Clem will—”

    Before he could even finish, the cell guard, Dorian, shouted. “What did I say about talking?!”

    “Well I’m sorry, my friend is having a panic attack, and I’m trying to help him out, mind your own business,” Louis snapped at the lady, “I’ll shut up after I’m done.”

    “Excuse me?” she acted as if she was offended.

    “Fuck your no talking rule, what are you going to do? Nothing. You’re going to turn us into soldiers, you need us alive. Fifteen, seventeen and eighteen,” he pointed at Omar, himself and then Aasim, “all children  _ you’re  _ ready to turn into soldiers. Well? My friends will come and save us and kill all of you!” Louis stood up and walked right to the door. “And if they don’t, I-I’ll find a way to do it myself. 

    Aasim stood up where he was sitting. “Louis stop acting like this, you're just making the situation worse. They said no talking, and that is all you have been doing. Come on… just stop. We don’t need your heroics right now.”

    Aasim was right, Louis kept back talking everyone every time he had the opportunity. Only if he knew what that would have come to, Louis probably would have shut his mouth. But, he was just pissed. Omar, his friend, was having a panic attack — which wasn’t normal for him — and he wasn’t even allowed to try and help? 

    “No! She’s telling me I can’t try and calm someone down?! Fuck all of them! All of their entitled assholes. I know how they think. And it’s all bullshit! You don't get to act like you’re all that. They're all so materialistic! Or humanistic? Humanlistic? Whatever! My point still stands! You don’t care for anyone, but your little group and you’re willing to exploit humans for it.”

    Lilly walked over with a perplexed look on her face as she scrutinized the kids, “He's mouthy again?”

    “Yes, ma’am,” she deadpanned, her face as expressionless as her voice.

    “Take out his tongue,” Lilly said so casually as if it is a frequent recurrence.

    Louis stepped back, eyes wide before he narrowed them, he was both appalled and terrified out of his mind. “What the fuck?! You’re a fucking sadist. Not even a warning, just straight up?! You are just sick fucks!” his voice lost most if not all of its confidence, and he started backing up. In what world does talking warrant a punishment such as losing a tongue?

    “And move him to another cell. I don’t want the others’ infringing on my teaching.”

    “Yes ma’am,” Dorian looked at the others. “If any of you try anything, I’ll make you watch.”

    “No. They’re watching either way. This is a lesson to them, don’t test me. Demonstration works better than a simple explanation.”

    “Wait, what the fuck?!” Aasim retorted when Omar gasped, curling in on himself, trying to make it impossible for him to see.

    Dorian nodded, opening the cell and grabbing Louis by his jacket and yanking him out of the cell. She kicked his knees so he’d fall to the floor, standing on his leg and holding his hands back. One of the other guards took her place, and the woman stood in front of him.

    “We're really doing this, huh?”

   “Oh, would you rather a finger? Or maybe all of them? Minnie told us you love to sing and play the piano. It would be such calamity fit you lose either,” Lilly smirked.

    “I—”

    “Well too bad you don’t have a choice,” Lilly walked back over with scissors— more like shears, and a box, handing them to Dorian. “You, make sure those two are watching,” she also handed the other woman a pair of gloves, thick gloves. “Open your mouth wide.”

     “As if I’d listen to you,” he snarked before attempting to lock his jaw,  _ he was  _ **_not_ ** _ letting them cut out his tongue. _

    She laughed. “I thought you’d say that, cut the Marksman's arm off.”

    The guard that was making the two watch had Aasim on the floor pinned down, a meat cleaver to his arm. “Louis, please don’t listen, please! An arm is not worth you losing your tongue! Do it to me! Cut off my arm, cut off my tongue! Lou, think about Clem! He needs— Lou!”

Louis opened his mouth, and Dorian grabbed his tongue, yanked it  **_hard_ ** out of his mouth and snapped it with the scissor-shears. Blood was pouring out of his mouth; he screamed. Blood was everywhere— he could feel it dripping off his chin already. The woman shoved some hot metal —when did she get that?— in his mouth.

Both Omar and Aasim were sobbing; they were better at being quiet than Louis. Their heads both held so tightly they could only close their eyes to save them from the sight. Louis just wanted to wake up, pretend this was just some gruesome, morbid dream.

Louis bit her hand harshly, not even breaking the glove. He didn’t let his jaw release until the pain all the sudden up and hit him. The pain was so intense, he let out another scream of pain, tears streaming down his face.

“I’m smarter than you think, kid,” she rubbed her hands to clean them. “That’ll keep you from talking. Next time don’t talk. Okay?”

    Dorian threw Louis into the cell across from the other one, he kept sobbing, digging his nails into his arms trying to alleviate the pain when he eventually passed out.

    “That’ll keep you from talking,” her voice echoed in his head as he jumped awake. At least they had the decency to put him in the bed… but he doesn’t remember them doing that…

    He was fully awake when they cut it out and burned it-- cauterized it-- to not bleed out. How long ago was that? Couldn’t have been that long since he passed out. It couldn't have been that long since they cut out his tongue.

    He sobbed, it sounded weird, of course, it would, they cut out his fucking tongue. They cut out his tongue, any time he’d try and talk and now it would end up being nothing but a garbled mess. He just wanted to stop crying, but every sound that came out just sounded so wrong and made the crying worse.

He curls in on himself more, trying to contain his loud sobbing, he just couldn't control himself. He never could control himself, and that's why his parents divorced. That's why his best friend died. That’s why his tongue is gone.

God, why didn't they just let him bleed to death? Why did they have to make him suffer through all this? He's done so much, he knows he deserves it, but why a fate worse than death? It hurt so, so much. 

How did he go from vindictive fuckhead to a wealthy boy in a boarding school to a badass survivor… to a broken man.

“At least let me calm him down!” a voice... Aasim? Yeah, that’s him. “Come on, please! He’s going to end up hurting himself! You’ve broken him enough! I go in there just to calm him down. That’s it, I swear!”

    “If you keep talking, I’ll cut off your— that wouldn’t work for you, would it? How about I cut off your friend’s tongue here and cook it along with the mouthy one’s and force feed it to you as they watch? That’ll definitely work, Marksman,” she had a wicked smile on her face.

    They still have it? Did they keep it like some trophy? Something to use against them? Aasim tried to stop Lilly... he told her to cut his tongue off instead, so now she’s using it against him. Louis didn’t even understand why Aasim was being so adamant about protecting him, he always acted like he disliked Lou. But damn did he misjudge Aasim because when his tongue gets cut out, he’s really there. And all Louis was doing was trying to get answers… probably could have done without all the cursing and yelling. But they told him to shut up when he was just trying to help Omar calm down.

  He should have known such confidence… such defiance would get someone hurt or killed. But no, he went off at them, and Lilly was naturally infuriated, but he went on. Now he can say nothing, nothing ever again. He was silenced.

“You’re fucking sick!” Omar shouted. “Lou was just trying to—”

Lilly clicked her tongue, signaling a guard over to Louis’ cell. “You’re the cook of the group, am I correct? Marlon told me. Must I remind you?” The guard opened it, and one of her little minions grabbed and brought him close to both Aasim and Omar’s faces. “Open your mouth,” she said, and when Louis didn’t, she said it louder, “Open your goddamn mouth, brat!”

Louis timidly let his mouth fall open, exposing what he had left of a tongue, whimpering as well as shaking violently. His mouth was just coated with blood, and the muscle was burned so he wouldn’t bleed to death. He wanted her to just kill him right then and there, but he knew she wouldn't. She wouldn't kill him no matter how much he wanted to die; a mute soldier is better than a dead one. 

“I’ve done it to him, I’ve done it to others, I will do it again. And you need your taste buds. No tongue, no cooking. It doesn't matter what you're trying to do.”

“Okay! Okay! Just, please! Leave him alone,” Aasim shouted as Omar sunk down the wall, whispering things to himself.

The bitch smirked as Louis was thrown back into the cell where he moved as fast as he could to the corner. And after all the cells were locked, they all left.

And all he could do was cry, and it was at the point he didn’t know if it was physical pain or the psychological. He just wants to get home, lie in his bed, and pretend everyone around him doesn’t exist. Just somewhere safe.

He’ll probably never talk again, or flirt, or joke... or sing. Fuck... can he even eat? His eyes widened at his own inquiry, shaking more viciously. Why can’t he just die?

“Louis, it’s okay, please just calm down.”

He shook his head and tried to say ‘I can’t,’ but it didn’t work; his sobs grew louder. Everything hurt, and he just wanted to it to stop. He wanted it to  _ stop. _

“Louis, can you please sit on the bed... please.”

Omar asked that so they could see him... Louis weakly climbed on the bed with his back turned, still shaking. He just wanted to go home and have this all over and done with this. He just wanted to get out of this place. Here? He could never start healing. At the school, where he felt safe… maybe he could start getting better.

He could hear Omar and Aasim lowly talking to one another, he couldn’t understand them until he really focused on it. It sounded almost like they were fighting.

“This bitch is crazy, she kept his fucking tongue.”

“I know! Fuck! I know, I just want to go home.”

“I think we have bigger things to worry about! Just look at Louis!”

“Aasim, I’m trying to not think about it!”

They need to keep their voices down. Louis learned that the hard way...

  Footsteps echoed through the hall, and they stopped at his door. He glanced up, quickly looking away… it was Minnie. Did she really tell Lilly that he would always say something to make her laugh? He peeked at her, wondering what she would do. Her eyes narrowed -- she had an eyebrow scar -- and widened when she noted his appearance.

“Ma’am, why is Louis in a different cell? And what did you do to him?”

“He was mouthy, we cut out his tongue and threw him in there to teach him a lesson.”

“You what? I told you not to hurt any of them! You promised me.”

She didn’t want this for him? Of course, she didn't, she was the only one that didn’t say he talked too much… other than Marlon and Clem. But Marlon is dead and Clem… he doesn't even know anymore.

Dorian seemed to almost snarl. “Minerva, focus.” 

“Yes ma’am…” she's sounded sad. “I… I have a little brother. Short, scarred face. Is he… he’s not out there, is he?”

“Look, we’ve discussed this. Your family is Delta now. There ain't no room anyone else.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

He burrowed his head in his knees when the boat made a sound and moved slightly. He let out a gasp, moving to the corner again. Footsteps followed as Dorian left.

Someone started talking, but Louis couldn’t hear who it was or what they were saying. 

“I swear to god if you got Tenn caught up in this… Just… just tell me that he’s safe,” she said, and after a short pause, she sighed. “Shit. I’ll help you get everyone out. Then you take my brother and run. Get him back to where it’s safe.”

“Clementine?”

“Holy fuck.”

“Are you guys hurt?” Clem…

“He doesn't look hurt,” AJ.

Omar let out a shaky breath, “I… yeah. I’m alright, we’re alright. Take care of Louis first. He’s… he’s in rough shape.”

“I’ll unlock the other cell.”

Not wanting to look he waited and waited, and the cell opened, he heard... Clem? She called out to him. He looked up to see Minnie hit Clem upside the head with the butt of her crossbow.

“Clem,” he tried to say, he worked so hard, but it sounded nothing like her name and instead like he was choking on something.

She was going to save him... She actually came to save him.

He stayed curled up and got closer to her until he doesn’t even know how long when she wakes up.

“Louis?”

He gasped and quickly hugged her, sobbing. He holds on tightly. When she pushed off him, he smiled weakly at her before looking down. His mouth was still all bloody.

“What did they do to you?”

He quickly tried to say something but Aasim jumped in.

“No! No, no. Don’t. They uh... they cut out his tongue,” Aasim’s voice almost cracked, and Clem’s eyes widened, looking at the two in the other cell. “He just... he kept fucking talking.”

“Oh my god, Louis. No no no no…” she looked back at him. “I didn’t know… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry, Louis,” she held tightly on him as he cried. “We’re getting you out of here,” she whispered as he continued crying. “Let’s get you home,” 

He nodded softly, hearing a loud sound, he scurried off into the corner, breathing heavily. No.  _ no,  _ **_no_ ** . Not again, please no.

Clem took in a deep breath and let out it out shakily. “Shhh, it’s okay. It’s okay,” she put her hands up as the panicking boy turned to look at her, “Its… okay,” she sadly stood up and looked at him, “you’ll be home soon,” she said softly, before walking over to the cell’s door and talking to everyone. Louis just wished he could have kept his mouth shut, everyone else did it, why couldn’t he?

But he didn’t, and now he lost everything. He lost everything that made him Louis. The boy who loves to joke around, the boy who loved to flirt… the one who loved to sing. All that gone, turning into a fragile, timid  _ child _ who cowers at even the smallest of sounds.

He jumped when he hears the sound of AJ’s shiv slide across the ground. Clem picked it up, and she walked over to him, bending down to his level. “I’ll get us out of here. I promise,” she said softly as he let out a shaky breath. She blinked slowly before walking away.

Louis glanced at Clem who was picking at the board, and then Dorian was at the door.

“Whatever you’re doing, don’t. I promise you, it ain’t worth it. Step back!”

“Is she awake?”

No, _ no,  _ **_no_ ** ! Lilly, stop crying. Stop. Stop! She’ll hear you, and she’ll get to you. Louis tried to get in the smallest form he could, and he tried to stop the noise coming from his sobbing. That’s all he could focus on. That’s all he needs to focus on. 

That was until Lilly went into the cell, breaking that focus. He couldn’t hear anything that she was saying, guns pointed at Clem. She just spoke. Like it was normal to have a gun pointed at someone. When Minnie started talking, he looked up at her. 

“And I killed her.”

Minnie killed Sophie?! He audibly gasped, staring at the redhead with wide eyes and everyone just went off. 

“What the fuck?!” Aasim ‘eloquently’ said.

“Jesus Christ!” Omar.

“Minnie, no… tell me it’s not true.” Violet.

Lilly ignored them and went on, “Your own sister? Why would you do that?” her voice twisting with poison, it made Louis feel sick.

“She was twisting, my head with her lies.”

“And?”

Minnie’s voice sounded almost broken, “I made a mistake. I needed to show my loyalty to the place I call home.”

“Like it or not, you’re one of my people now, Clem. The question is, which one are you going to be? The loyal one? Or the dead one?”

They brainwashed her… they actually brainwashed Minnie. Lilly managed to manipulate her head enough to get Minnie to believe Sophie was the problem… and he can't say a damn thing about it. Broken in two drastically different ways. 

“What have you done to her head?! You fucking psychotic bitch!” Violet slammed her hand on one of the bars. “You are evil. You're fucking evil!”

“Violet, calm down. You saw what they did to Louis… Just do what they say.”

“Why, so I can become a soldier in their army? Someone who kills the people they love? Fuck that!”

Lilly looked off at Clem with a smirk. “Pull the mouthy one out of the cell,” she walked closer to Clem, “They clearly didn't get the moral of the story. We’ll have to help them understand.”

“Shit! Fuck you! No!”

“AJ! No!”

“Fuck! No no no..! Ahgh! Fuck!” Violet let out a scream. “Fuck!”

At this point, Louis had his hands over his ears, and his face buried. Not again.

Yet he could still hear AJ scoff-scream. “No! I’ll kill you! I killed Marlon! He wasn’t a monster, but _you_ **_are_**! I’ll kill you!”

Louis zoned out once again after hearing AJ talk about Marlon. He stayed almost perfectly still until Aasim came over to help him up. He didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to. If they're caught...

“Lou, let’s go home… now,” he said softly, Louis just let Aasim help him up and walk him out of the cell. “Clem, we better see you on land.”

“You will.”

Since both him and Omar couldn't precisely walk, they slowly walked the boat with nothing being said. When they found their way to the pier, they stopped.

“Hey. Louis, are you okay? Do we need to stop? Omar.”

“Right now? My leg is fine. I just want to get home…”

Louis shrugged at that. He wanted to keep going.

When they got off the pier, Louis just turned and kept his eyes on the boat, he watched it intensely. He gasped when he saw Clem and Lilly fight on the deck. That bitch had Clem pinned.

  “Oh my god.”

  He kept his eyes glued on what little he could see, then flinching when he heard gunshot and serval following.

  He watched wide-eyed as the bomb went off. “No! Clem!” he shouted despite the pure agony it was to even move the tongue. She came back to save him, and he can’t even go back to help save her, how fucking broken is he?

  “Louis, don’t talk,” Aasim said quietly. “This is Clem we’re talking about. She can do this, she’s alive so far, but we need to get you home.”

  Louis shook as they began the walk home.  He felt awful having to lean on Aasim because he could barely keep himself up, Omar needs the support, not him. His leg was shot, Louis just got his tongue cut out… he should be able to walk.

    “Omar, are you going to be fine with your leg?”

    “Yeah. Just can’t run,” Omar sighed as he responded. “Let’s just hope we don’t run into any walkers…”

    “We probably will just keep an eye out.”

    “Try to see if you can spot them beforehand--"

    They kept talking but Louis zoned out as the walked to the school.


	2. Chapter 2

 Returning to camp, Louis looked around before sitting on one of the benches. He just sat there, knees to his chest and he was keeping his head hidden. He was hurting. From the small sting of the bullet hole in his arm to the almost unbearable pain in his mouth, he was hurting. He started to dig his nails into his legs as dark thoughts filled his mind like a plague. They care, _they care,_ **_they care._ **

 “What happened? Louis?” she was reaching out to grab his shoulder, but Aasim stopped her. “What happened to Louis, Aasim? I need to know.”

 “Ruby, don’t touch him… Um, just...” Aasim let out a shaky sigh, “Ruby... they uh... they cut out his tongue. They thought he talked too much. They cauterized it by shoving hot metal in his mouth so he wouldn’t die,” he said with so much venom in his voice.

 “Oh my god, Louis,” Ruby gasped, turning to the boy.

 Louis smiled weakly, looking at her before it faltered and turned his head the other way and he starting to cry again, and now with a new cycle of tears. Why him? Why him? He just wanted to stop hurting. He just wanted everything to be okay again.

 “Are the rest of y’all okay?”

 Omar winced before saying, “I tripped on the way back because my leg and busted my knee,” Omar whispered. “But deal with Louis, please, just help him.”

 “There’s nothing I can do… I can make sure it’s closed all the way as it should, but if it isn’t I can’t fix it… no way in hell can I do… just, I’ll check up on him, okay?”

 Louis kept his glance at the opposite way of everybody and still had his knees to his chest, shaking as his nails dug deep into his skin through his jeans. Did everyone come to save them? Clem and Violet came, did Willy and Tenn get dragged into helping him get out as well? Was Ruby the only one still at camp? Fuck, he managed to mess everything up when he wasn’t even there.

 “Where is Clem? Violet? AJ? Are they okay? Tenn? He was supposed to come back with Willy, but I didn’t see him.”

 “Right… yeah, Violet will need medical attention when she gets out, they cut off her pinky finger. The bomb went off, I don’t know how the rest of them are.”

  “And y’all just left them?!”

 “I’m sorry, but Louis was already freaking out, and we just wanted to get him home. We can go back to see if they’re okay later.”

 Louis felt awful, squeezing his knees to his chest harder. He wanted to apologize, to say something, but he can’t. Nothing. His friends were too focused on him when the others could be dead on a ship because he let himself be taken. If he had been quiet maybe everyone would be alive— or at least here, at home. Or maybe he was being irrational, but that won’t stop the feeling.

 Ruby walked over to him standing in his peripheral vision. “Louis, are you okay?”

 Why does everyone keep asking that? No, he’s not okay. They _cut out his fucking_ **_tongue_ **. The person he probably loved the most in the world didn’t seem to love him enough to save him. Who is he kidding? He wouldn’t even save himself. He’s annoying and can't take anything seriously. All he did was make jokes and play the piano.

 But she came back for him… she risked her life to save him to only find out he’s a broken shell of what he used to be. She came to save Omar, Aasim and Louis… but she found Omar, Aasim, and a stranger.

 He shrugged and puts his legs down, facing her. He was slouched over, it just hurt… his arm, his mouth, everything just hurt.

 Ruby made a small, but still visible flinch. “Hey, um, actually, y’all wanna get cleaned up?”

 That was smart… he should’ve thought of that, but it's not like he could tell her that even if he did come up with it. He doesn’t want Willy or Tenn to see him like this.

 “Omar, go ahead and meet us in the nurse’s office so I can patch up your leg, okay? Aasim can you help Louis?”

 “Okay, I will meet you there,” Omar got up and made his way to the nurses’.

 Louis stood up, and he wobbled slightly, Aasim quickly helped him steady by putting his arms around him, they slowly walked there, and Ruby kept pace with them as Omar went ahead, probably just ready to sit down.

 They got to the nurses’ room where Louis sat on one of those ‘recovery couch’ things, Aasim said he had to go do something and left. Sitting with his knees to his chest again, Louis stopped feeling the pain and rather felt numb. He hated it more, at least then he felt _something._

 Ruby silently worked on Omar’s leg, getting the bullet they just left in him and cleaning it all up. He sounded like he was in so much pain. He was shot in the leg. Unlike Louis who got shot in the arm… but the pain from that was overshot by the pain in his mouth.

 “You need to stay off the leg, so you’re going to stay here, okay?”

 “Yeah… yeah okay.”

 Ruby grabbed part of a ripped shirt and a water bottle, walking over to Louis. “Alright, I think this’ll come off with just some water,” she grabbed a washcloth and a bottle of water. “You’re just so pale. I just can’t believe this...” she whispered as if she were in pain herself.

 Louis flinched at first when Ruby started to clean his face, she whispered an apology as he sighed and just sat there as she gently rubbed the blood off his neck and his face. He felt so useless just sitting here when he would typically be cracking jokes, or laughing, or something at that. But he can’t. He won’t ever be able to again.

 “There we go,” she sighed, stepping off the stool. “Your teeth still have some blood on it, but I think that's an easy fix, just gargle some water and use one of the makeshift toothbrushes but… could I see? I need to make sure your tongue didn’t get infected, or if it was even closed up all the way, okay?”

 It… just the way she says it scared him. He looked at the ground, shaking slightly. He just wanted to keep his mouth shut, Omar nearly had a panic attack from Louis just opening his mouth when Lilly forced him to, was it that bad? Did he want to show Ruby? The thought scared him.

 “You don’t have to if you don’t wanna,” she said softly, care in her eyes. “I just want to check it, but if you don't want me to, that is okay. I’m not going to force you to do anything, okay? I would **_never_ ** force you to do anything."

 A choice… he looked at Ruby; she was one of the sweetest people he knew, she was also the nastiest, she got sent to the school for that, after all. Louis sighed and nodded. He opened his mouth slowly, and she looked.

 He closed his mouth when she stepped back. He could tell she was having a lot of emotions going on but pushed them down so he couldn’t figure out what. “It looks fine. Not infected, closed up fine, at least to the point you won’t bleed to death and… it looks like you won’t have too much trouble eating, there’s a little bit less than half left, so you might be able to talk again? If you can, I’d still not suggest talking for a little while for the tongue to heal. I don't know, I’m sorry.”

 He let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding, he didn’t know if it was from relief or some other emotion. At least he could eat… and maybe speak.

 Ruby smiled, almost excited. “Hey, I saw a notebook somewhere before y’all got here, I think it was one of the ones we got for Aasim that he didn’t want. I have some pencils, and… maybe that’s how you can communicate? If like, you can’t or don’t want to talk?”

 It sounds wrong. Communicate… he would of much preferred if she just said talk. He nodded, at least he can do that, maybe… maybe he would be okay after all.

 He pulled his knees to his chest, turning to the side.

 “I’ll go see if I can find it, holler— um I’ll just be in the library if you need me,” she had quickly corrected herself before she went off.

 Louis just stayed curled up. What if Marlon saw him like this? How would he react? Would Mar have kicked him out because of how… broken he is? Or was Aasim right about him just being like a lap dog to Marlon? He always said you have to contribute and Louis would just mess around. It just hurt.

 He started crying again, grabbing his hair. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted to be okay. He wished he wasn’t broken… He wants to wake up, and it was all a dream… Wake up to a reality where he isn’t traumatized.

 He just wanted to be able to talk. He wanted to be able to sing.

 He’d only ever be able to do one of those things, and even that wasn't a guarantee, maybe his trauma would stay on him forever.

 He was sitting there for a few minutes which felt like hours when Ruby came back. He heard her footsteps come in, she sounded like she was skipping -- or maybe it was running --, which turned into just walking. He wiped his tears with his sleeves.

 “Louis?”

 He looked up at her, moving to face her. She had something in her hand. It was a small black notebook with a built-in bookmark.

 “I found it,” she handed him the small, but full of pages, notebook. “I’ll go grab a pencil -- ah, here.”

 He looked at it before placing both objects in his jacket pocket, and since the pouch had a button, they wouldn't fall out...

 “You wanna go to the music room?” Ruby asked.

 No. Louis wanted to stay here--

 “Hey, Ruby-- oh. Hey Louis.”

 “Oh, howdy, Aasim. I just cleaned him up and found that good notebook for Louis to use. What did you need?”

 Louis looked up at Aasim before looking away; he hated the look on the other’s face. Aasim looked sad, but Louis could understand why. It was Louis’ fault. He’s the one that talked to much and messed everything up. An example, or demonstration as Lilly put it, to fuck with their heads.

 “It’s fine, I can come back later,” he said, turning to leave.

 Ruby blocked the door, giving Aasim the death stare. She may be small, but she can be frightening when she wants to be. “Aasim, are you hurt? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 The boy sighed. “Not physically. I told you, I will just come back later.”

 “Aasim, you can talk to me. Louis, you don’t mind listening to him as well, do you?”

 Louis shook his head. Of course, he wanted to know what was up with his friends… Aasim was probably the most threatened, and after what they did to Louis, it's understandable to be a little fucked up afterward. He’d want someone to talk to if he was in Aasim’s position.

  “I don’t know; it’s just, that sick bastard said some things and… fuck, I can’t stop thinking about them,” he rubbed his arm. “Lou was freaking out, and, I didn’t want them to do anything else, so I asked if they could, move me into his cell? So I could calm him down…”

 Oh no. Shit, of course, it had to be about that. They yanked him out of that cell and forced him… they used him against his friends. Scared Omar shitless.

 “But she said no. And I kept… I kept on. She threatened to take out Omar’s tongue and then cook it and Louis’ —because they kept it — and force feed them to me… Omar freaked out, and she knew he was the cook and said the taste buds are on the tongue and… I don’t know. I just can’t stop thinking about it.”

 “Aasim, it’s going to be okay.”

 “She made us watch, Ruby, she made us watch...”

 The county girl crossed her arms, “watch what? Aasim…”

 “They held our heads right and made us watch them cut his tongue out. They… held me down at one point, going to cut off my arm, or at least part of it if he didn’t comply… I told Louis just to let them. An arm you can get over. A tongue… I told him, and he didn’t listen,” Aasim looked like he was about to start crying. He never cried, at least not around other people. “All we could do was close our eyes and at that point… I was just frozen I couldn’t even do that.”

 “Aasim, I’m so sorry… none of deserved that. We should have gotten to y'all sooner, we waited way too fucking long.”

 Louis shakily let out a breath of air. She’s right. No one deserved it… except for him. Even if he earned to be shut up finally his friends didn’t deserve to watch it. He didn’t even realize he had started crying again; no tears were coming out, he had none left to make.

 They came as quick as they could, it wasn’t anyone fault Louis was as big as a fuck up as he is. That he just had to screw everything up. As Aasim said, Louis just keeps getting more annoying every day. He was right. Now it’s a complete 180. He was annoying because all he did was talk and joke, and now he's it’s just because he’s too broken for anything. He is some useless person for someone to watch over and take care of because he can’t even do it himself.

 Aasim sighed. “Louis, hey, hey, deep breaths, okay?”

 Louis looked up and closed his eyes, deep breaths… deep breaths. He calmed his breathing, but tears were still flowing down his face.

 “You wanna sleep in here?”

 He shook his head, he was too tall to lay on it properly, whenever he got hurt and had to lay down his legs were always hanging off. Then, he just froze and something popped into his head. Where was Chairles? He didn’t have it on him, did he? He normally only used it against walkers...

 “Louis, use your notebook.”

  _‘Chairles?’_ was all he wrote.

 “The chair leg thing? I think it’s on the ship, buddy, they took all our weapons, and it’s a weapon, a chair leg with nails sticking out of it,” Aasim crossed his arms.

 He sighed, damn it. He guessed he could just get another one. It was _just_ a chair leg anyway, that’s what everyone said...

 “Actually, no, I think Tenn kept it for you. I’m pretty sure you dropped it."

 Louis smiled, with no teeth, at that. Tenn was always so sweet, of course, if Louis dropped it he would have saved it.

 “Okay, Aasim can you take him to his room, please? He needs rest, like real rest.”

 Aasim just nodded and helped Louis off of the couch and onto his feet.

 “No…”

 “Louis, don’t.”

“I’m hun-hung-ung-hungry,” he tried to say, quite literally choking on his tongue as he said it. He whipped the drool that came from his mouth, oh great, something else to add to his list of things fucked up about him; can’t talk without drooling. What is he? Two years old?

 He could tell Ruby was about to start crying due to his attempts at speaking.

 “I’ll see if I have any snacks. Okay?” Aasim said.

 Louis nodded. There isn’t much food to go around but… he’s just hungry. Maybe if he ate it could take his mind off of everything, perhaps it wouldn’t hurt so much.

 “I would prefer if you were in here…”

 “Ruby, some of us are too tall for the beds.”

 Louis slowly nodded.

 “Just take him to his bed in the music room. It will be easiest?”

 He nodded. It’s fine. He can do it, plus he’s fatigued, he just needs some sleep.

 Aasim helps Louis off the bed. “Ruby, can you look for some snacks while I get him over there?”

 “Yeah.”

 Louis leans on Aasim as the walk over to the room, he was starting to feel lightheaded and dizzy.

 “Here we go,” the other said as he helps Louis get onto the bed in the corner.

 He sat on it, pulling his knees to his chest, taking in a deep breath he smiled.

 “I’ll go see if Ruby got anything, okay?”

 Once again he nodded laying down. Once he heard the door close, he hugged the extra pillow he had. One thing was able to change him so drastically. Clem lost a finger; she probably didn’t change much. Violet probably won’t change…

 But a tongue is different. He curled in on the pillow, hiding his face. He tried sleeping, but all he could see was her face. Her deadpan face and coily hair tied up in a bun as she cut off his tongue.

 He started crying as he struggled to sleep. He tried telling himself that’s he’s okay, but he’s not. He won’t be for a long while.

 The door of the room opened when Louis had been crying for a little bit, and he jumped slightly as he glanced to see who it was… it was Willy. “Louis--” the second the small boy got a glance at Louis and saw the condition he was in he ran out of the room, closing the door.

 Not much later did Ruby come through the door. “Louis?” she walked over to him. “Can’t sleep?”

 He shook his head. No, no he cannot sleep. He just wants this to be over. He wanted to be back home, and now that he is, he doesn't feel any better, not at all.

 “Want to talk-- or write, or whatever word you wanna use-- about it? I want to help you.”

 Louis got out his notebook and pencil sitting up. _‘I can’t stop seeing her face. Omar started panicking, and I went to talk to him, and I was argumentative and,’_ he stopped writing to take a shaking breath _‘she cut out my tongue.’_

 “You were just helping Omar?”

 He nodded. _‘I was back talking to them though.’_

 Ruby closed her eyes. “You still didn’t deserve that; you didn’t… goddamnit. I’m so sorry that this happened to you.”

 Louis shook his head. _‘No, it's not your fault. No one’s fault but ~~mine~~ the raiders,’ _ Louis crossed it out.

 “You’re right, it isn't your fault, Louis. Please, listen to me, okay? Nothing you did was wrong, okay? They were so wrong to do this to you.”

 He shrugged, looking down. He knew it was his fault. He is the one that was always talking. Vi did call him a walking distraction. He deserved it, didn’t he? Trying to tell himself he didn’t he started crying again, how many times has he cried today? He was so pathetic.

 “Louis. You didn’t deserve this. You don’t deserve it. No one, absolutely no one deserves to have their tongue cut out, and… Especially not you. So what, you talked a lot? You kept morale up. I may have seemed like I was annoyed all the time but… I was never annoyed at the fact you were talking, Lou.”

 He looked at her before hiding his face in his knees. He didn’t know what to feel anymore.

 “Willy came in; he told me you were crying. He seemed scared…” Ruby said softly. “He doesn't even get scared of wakers, yet… Louis… he was so scared; he didn't know what was wrong.”

 “Sorry,” he choked out, knees to his chest. Why did he keep talking?

 “Don’t be sorry. You know how he gets, he cares about you… we all do. Okay?”

 Louis rubbed his arm, looking away, nodding.

 “Willy doesn't know what happened, yet. Neither does Tenn. What do you want to do?”

 _‘Tenn probably knows. AJ said to James ‘she cut my friend’s tongue out,’_ _and Tenn isn’t dumb.’_

 “Willy? You know he will find out one way or another."

 Louis shrugged.  He doesn't know what to do. Louis jumped when he heard the door open, back pressed against the wall, breathing heavily, head in his knees. He found himself back on the ship; it's not real, _it’s not,_ **_he can't be_ ** _._

 “Lou, hey, hey it is just Willy, don’t worry. See? Look?”

 He looked up and saw the short boy at the door, halfway in, halfway out of the door. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said low and quiet.

 Louis just crossed his legs at looked at Ruby; he can’t say it's okay, he can’t say anything. He doesn't want Willy to know what happened to him, but he has to… everyone has too.

 “Hey, Willy, come here.”

 The younger boy cautiously walked over to the two, knelt in front of them. He looked baffled and concerned, it broke Louis’ heart. Willy already lost Mitch, and to know the Raiders did something else?

 “Louis is... well he's not okay because, uh, well, he can’t talk anymore. They cut… they cut out his tongue.”

 “What?”

 Louis hugged his knees, glancing away, he didn’t want to see how Willy would react.

 “The raiders Willy, they cut out his tongue, he probably won’t be able to speak anymore.”

 Willy looked conflicted before an angry look fell on his face. “Why did they do that? Would Minnie let them do that? What the fuck?”

 “I don’t know, people do really fucked up things to people who don’t deserve it. Willy, there are just some people that are really fucking messed up in the head,” she glanced at Louis.

 “He doesn’t like loud noises?”

 Louis looked up at Willy and shook his head. He really doesn’t, he not going to just lie.

 “Okay. I’ll be more careful now, imma check if Aasim needs anything,” Willy ran out of the room but gently closed the door.

 Ruby smiled. “Now, was that so hard? It hurts, I… I know— no I don’t, I can't even begin to imagine it, but I can only guess that, but we’re basically a family, okay?”

 He nodded, looking down. He opens his mouth in an attempt to ask about food but closed it and just grabbed the notebook? ‘ _Food_?’

 “I got you an apple,” she held said apple out.

 He looked at and it looked like a Fuji apple, that was always his favorite. He smiled and took it from her. Small bites were easy to get down, but it took forever for him to eat. When he ate a bit of a mouthful, his hand shot up to cover his mouth.

 Manners, as his dad would say. If you put too much food in your mouth, — or in Louis’ case now, can’t keep mouth closed —cover it with your hand. You can’t talk with your mouth open either, but that won’t be a problem anymore.

 It was funny how he still would cover his mouth because of manners but would burp at the table just to annoy Ruby.

 “I remember you saying how you love apples to Clem,” Ruby smiled. “Louis?”

 He looked at her, and the looked at the apple core. ‘ _Plant the seeds.’_

 “Near the greenhouse? That… that’s actually a good idea, I don’t know if we can grow it, but no shame in trying, right?”

_‘Nope, we can have more apples.’_

 Ruby sighed, taking the apple core. “Louis… you’ll be alone while we go to the boat. Can you handle yourself?”

 He looked down and shrugged.

 “Just stay hidden if anything happens, and use one of the bows or knives if need be.”

 He nodded.

 “We are going to bring Clem home. She will come home safe, okay?”

 He nodded again. He’ll be fine. He can do this...


	3. Chapter 3

 Louis sat on the piano’s bench, knife in hand and his knees still up to his chest. He stared at it perplexingly, like it was talking to him. A knife, a small knife, it won't keep him alive if those raiders come back. Maybe he could deal with a walker or two but again, perhaps not. Why did Ruby trust him alone? _ Why? _

 The door opened, and he jerked up to see it was Violet, he noticed that her hand was wrapped up in some cloth and her pinky was gone. It was hard to tell by the reddened material, but it was gone. They cut off her finger. What more were they going to take from these kids?

 “Louis?” 

 He smiled at her, it slowly faltered, and he glanced down, away from her face or her hand. It caused him a small pain in his chest to do so. He just found it difficult even to try and pretend to be happy. It used to be a breeze, sometimes he couldn't even tell when he was truly happy or the rare times it was him pretending.

 “Ruby said you were worried about me, she wanted to fix me up, but I wanted to check on you... I'm fine, for the most part, Lou. I want to know how you’re doing?”

 Again he shrugged… he’s done that so much now, more than nods or shakes of the heads. The boy stood up from the bench, and he just stood by the piano. Usually, he’d push his jacket back and put his hands on his hips and make some witty remark, maybe say something to Vi about her awful posture and how that’s going to ruin her back, but he slumps, nothing like his normal near-perfect posture.

 Violet sat down on one of the chairs, staring sadly at the boy. “Louis, I’m so sorry,” she sighed, pain reminiscent in her voice.

 He looked her in the eyes, his eyebrows furrowing before he turned away. He doesn't know what to say… or do, or anything. He just glanced up at the vandalized painting of the headmaster and Rosie. The first thing most kids did was draw on the walls and pictures… 

 “Clem should have saved you and not me. She loves you, yet she saved me. I’m so sorry, Lou,” she walked in front of him and put her hand out. “I don’t know what she was thinking… I’m so sorry,” tears flowed down her face. “I could’ve done something.”

 Glancing at her hand and just pulled her into a hug, he bit his lip to stop himself from crying but failed. Just like he broke down in Clem’s arms, he broke down in Vi’s. He shakes his head, “nuh-uh,” he let out pointing at himself. He was trying to say it was his fault. It hurt to see Vi like this, she wasn’t one to show her emotions.

 “Louis, this wasn't your fault,” she pushed off of him. “Don’t look at me like that, it wasn’t your fault. Was it my fault that sick bastard cut off my finger?”

 A shake of the head, her reaction was justified… Minerva killed Sophie, and she was angry. He rubbed his eyes with his sleeve trying to dry his teas, but that only worked momentarily before a new set arrived.

 “Even though I basically screamed at Minnie and Lilly?”

 He nodded that time, before pausing and quickly shaking his head, he misunderstood her. He weakly smiled even though Vi ignored it.

 “If it wasn’t mine… Was it Clem or AJ’s?”

 Louis knew that Clem just wanted to keep AJ safe, they would have killed him and still cut off Vi’s finger for all they knew. It wasn’t her fault, he shook his head.

 “Not mine, AJ’s or Clem’s… Was it yours?”

 Louis looked down, about to nod but instead shook his head, it wasn’t his fault, there’s no way to twist what happened to even make it a possibility of being his fault. No matter how much he wanted the blame to be put on him.

 “If it wasn’t my fault, is it your’s? Is it really your fault that they cut out your tongue?” she held his hands in hers, “Or are they just sick bastards trying to ruin you?”

 He paused before shook his head again.

 “It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay, Louis.”

 He shrugged, sitting down on his bed. He wanted to believe it, but he didn't know. He lost something that made him… him. What made him Louis, his voice. Years and years of his parents telling him that his wealth, his appearance, his job, all that made who he was… he knows that's not true. He was just the little rich boy his parents wanted to be, but they never gave him want he truly wanted. And even if the world somehow fixes itself, he could never get that now. The one thing he always wanted, something he needed his tongue; to sing.

 If his parents saw him now, how would they even react? Get angry that he allowed himself to act the way he does? That he doesn’t consistently put himself above other people? That he just allowed them to cut out his tongue instead of a friend losing an arm? That he even associated with them?

 Tears still fell from his face as he tried to stop himself from crying, he took a deep breath in and wiped his eyes one last time. He couldn’t break down in front of Violet anymore than he has.

  “Clem wanted to see you, but she is in pretty bad shape… you wanna see her?” she sighed at the slight change of subject.

 Once again he shrugged. Did she want to see him? Or was Vi just saying that to appease him? His eyes glance over at the heart they made on the piano and sighed. He didn’t hate her; he still had feelings for her… she still had them for him.

 “Lou…”

 He stood up and smiled weakly. He wanted to see Clem. Vi smiled back leading Louis to the nurse’s office.

 “Oh, Violet! Did you— oh, Louis, did you come to see Clem? She’s over there, and uh, she’s out, but she’ll be okay.”

 He looked at her on the couch; she was asleep. He walked by it and grabbed her hand, closing his eyes, he moved his mouth but no sounds came out, he was just mouthing words. He was trying his best not to cry again, and it was hard.

 Ruby walked over to him. “Hey, she’ll be okay,” she said reassuringly.

 Louis nodded taking a step back from the couch, still looking at her with saddened eyes.

 “Vi, I should check your finger,” Ruby turned to the blonde. “We don’t have much hydrogen peroxide left, better get it done before anything, right?”

 Violet sat down, and Ruby unwrapped the cloth. Louis decided to look away because frankly he was done with blood. He is just done with it.

 “Lou, can you grab the needle and thread? I need to stitch it closed once I’m done cleaning it out. I would appreciate it.”

 He glanced up at Ruby and nodded, grabbing what she needed and handing it to her. For some reason the small task made him feel good, they weren't going just to baby him… even if it’s just grabbing something, they still want his help. Maybe this is how he could get his dark thoughts to go away. Just helping out.

 “Now, y’all need to bite down on this because I’m gonna sew it up, so you don't bleed out.”

 Louis went back to where he was with Clem and looked up to see Omar sitting in a chair.

 “You feeling better? Pain wise?” the shorter male asked. “I know it probably still hurts, but is it better?”

 He nodded at that; he was feeling a lot better. He didn’t get any painkillers, but maybe it was just the rest, but he did feel better. He could walk on his own now at least.

 “That’s good,” Omar said back to him with a small smile. “I’m sorry they did this to you… you didn’t deserve it…”

 Louis sighed and shrugged. He didn’t know how he was supposed to respond. He knew he didn't deserve it and that it wasn’t his fault, but  _ knowing  _ doesn't stop  _ feeling. _

 Vi let out a muffled scream from the cloth and Louis looked around to see Ruby sewing the pinky shut. Her eyes squeezed shut, leg pressed hard against the floor, and her other hand firmly gripped around the arm of the chair.

 Louis got up and left… he just couldn’t handle it anymore. The sounds of one of his best friends screaming in pure agony hurt him. As he was rushing out of the office, he bumped into Tenn on his way back to his room, the younger boy looked sad. As soon as he saw Louis, he hugged him. He bent down to his height and hugged him back.

 “I-I saved Chairles for you,” Tenn laughed-cried, “you dropped it, and… I knew you’d...”

 A smile fell upon Louis’ face, hands on the other’s shoulders, mouthing ‘thank you.’

 Tenn smiled, “I’ll go get it, I’ll bring it to your music room,” and he ran off.

 Louis smiled before heading back to the music room where he sat staring off into space. He didn’t even know what he was thinking about at this point. All he knew was it wasn’t okay and he needed to think happier.

 There was a knock at the door, and Louis smiled when Tenn opened the door.

 “Here ya go.”

 Louis nodded, smiling as he took the chair leg. Chairles is back where it belongs, with him. He remembered when it first started… one of the girls killed herself — that’s why she was at the school, most likely— and now that all the adults were gone there was no one to look to for help. She turned into a walked and killed one other girl, her roommate… Louis heard screaming and ran over, grabbed a chair leg and stopped her from hurting anyone else when she wouldn't let up, he swung, and he used to play baseball, so it was easy to get her.

 The leg became Chairles later; he was surprised by his bravery as a ten-year-old, ready to protect everyone else. He was so confused why she’d act like that, and when she attacked someone, he just attacked her. The apocalypse started. That’s why the stupid chair leg is so important to him. Only Marlon knows— knew the actual reason behind it, everyone else just thinks it’s for the pun. For awhile Louis hated himself for doing that, not knowing that she was dead, but to this day, he feels no regret.

 Tenn stood there, looking down, tears starting to fall from his face. “Louis… was… was it Minnie who did… who did it? Is she one of them?”

 The older one shook his head harshly, grabbing his notebook.  _ ‘No, no, Tenn. When she found out, she was angry at Dorian and Lilly. It sounded like she made a deal with them to not hurt anybody. But yes, she’s one of them.’ _

 “Oh… she is with them? But… G-Good,” he looked away, eyes widened, “wait I don’t mean, I—”

 Louis put his hand on Tenn’s shoulder, smiling, saying that he knew what he meant. He was sad Minnie was gone and what happened to Louis, but he was relieved his sister wasn’t completely gone and would hurt Louis the way Dorian did, Louis didn’t think anyone could hurt someone the way she hurt him.

 Tenn hugged Louis again but started crying into Louis’ shirt. His sisters he thought to be dead, weren’t. And Vi she told him what Minnie did to Sophie. The tallest one rubbed his back letting him let it all out. He wanted to tell Tenn it would be okay, but he decided against even trying.  He hugged the boy back

 The boy let go, sniffling. “Thanks, Louis,” he smiled. “I needed that. You give the best hugs.”

 Louis smirked and pointed his thumb at himself as if to say, ‘of course I do.’

 Tenn laughed. Louis could already tell the small boy felt guilty for what happened.

 ‘Hey buddy, you know no one blames you for what happened, right? She was deceptive, and while you did fall for it, it’s not your fault.’

 He weakly smiled and nodded. “I… I need to go help Ruby tend to Clem and AJ. But… thank you, Louis.”

 He nodded and let Tenn go, Ruby was teaching him how to be a medic like she was shown by Ms. Martin.

 With that, he was gone, and Louis was alone again… he honestly didn't want to be by himself, he would literally take being here with Rosie over being alone right now.

 He sighed to himself, trying not to let his memory take over him, tears jerking as he hits down several keys on the piano. Fuck, he just didn’t want to be alone. Tears drop off his face and onto the keys as he silently cried.

 And lo and behold, Aasim walked in, he saw the state he was in and either tried to ignore it or help it without mentioning it. “Uh, hey Lou, um, I don’t really want to be alone right now, can I just sit in here with you while I write?”

 He nodded, pointing at his piano.

 “Nah, I don’t care if you play, might be relaxing. Go ahead.”

 Louis smiled, grabbing some sheet music and placing it on the given stand, fixing it so it would stay straight. He started playing the soft song, fingers dancing across the keys as he played. Just having Aasim in here helped Louis so much rather than him just being alone.

 “Hey, you found that stupid chair leg thing?” Aasim glanced over at the chair leg leaned against the piano. “God, I don’t think I’ve seen you without it when we're out.”

 He wanted to do a ‘har har har,’ at that but he didn’t know how it would sound so he just gave Aasim the stink eyes.

 “Sorry, you got ‘Chairles’ back,” he added in air quotes.

 Louis nodded, and… laughed. It was small but real. Aasim was a lot nicer than he remembered. Clem was an asshole at first, but Louis fell in love still and she did too.

 “Louis?”

 He didn’t notice his smile turned to a frown. He crossed his arms and looked away.

 “Hey, Clem is going to be okay. Ruby and Tenn are going to take good care of her.”

 He just nodded, head hidden in his arms that were placed on top his knees.

 “That’s not what you're worried about, is it?”

 A shake of the head.

 “Are… are you scared Clem is going to hate you? That… because you can’t — probably can’t?— talk anymore she won’t like you anymore?”

 A nod and a shrug. She had to hate him now. He hates himself — more than he used to now. Why wouldn’t she? He’s a different person. He can’t talk. He can’t joke. He can’t flirt. He can’t even sing anymore

 Aasim sighed. “Louis, she’s not going to hate you. She cares about you, she’s not going to leave you because you don’t have a tongue anymore,” he closed the journal he was chronicling in.

 Louis got out his small notebook.  _ ‘Do you think I’m going to be useless to the group, now?’ _ Rip off the bandaid, rip it off _ hard. _

 “What? No, of course, I don’t. Why would you think that?”

_  ‘I get scared at almost everything now and I feel like people will be too careful around me. That you’ll all think I’m too weak to help and I want to help,’ _ Louis had shamefully passed the notebook. He knew Aasim was the realist and was always brutally honest.

“What can I do not do that?” he asked.

_ ‘Ruby did it without realizing when she asked me to grab the needle and thread. I just want to help. I don’t want to sit and do nothing.’ _

 “Help with the small things until you’re ready to help with the bigger things?”

 Louis nodded. That’s all he wanted. He didn’t want to feel like he’s useless, that he can do at least something.

 “Alright. Just let us know if we’re doing it, okay?”

 He shrugged. He could do that. It would be hard, but he just wants to get better, rid himself of his own trauma.

 “Anyway, you can go back to your piano, I’m going to finish writing, I have a bit more to write.”

 Louis nodded and continued playing, even after Aasim finished writing he stayed sitting in the chair, listening to the other play.

 Aasim was always more on the quiet side — or maybe Louis just talked a lot and didn’t let him speak— but now more than ever. He didn’t talk unless he had to or was with Louis or Omar, and he felt that was at least partly his fault. Talking got his tongue cut out, maybe Aasim can’t stop thinking about what Lilly said… about how she’d cut off Omar’s tongue and force feed it to Aasim.

 Louis couldn’t even imagine what the other one was feeling. Getting your tongue cut off is different than being the reason your friend lost his tongue and being force fed it. God the thought just sickens him, that would be awful.

 Evening it didn’t happen, Aasim was still shaken up by that, and understandably so.

“Why’d you stop playing?”

 Louis was knocked out of his thoughts, he opened his mouth to answer but slammed it shut and shrugged. He just wanted to feel  _ okay _ .

 “Well, do you want to head back to the dorm, or?”

 He stood up and shrugged.

 “You don’t want to be alone, do you?”

 A shake of the head, crossing his arms to hold himself. He was going to start crying again, he just…

 “Hey, hey, it’s going to be okay.”

 Will  _ everyone stop saying  _ **_that_ ** ?! It’s not going to be  _ okay _ , it  _ never  _ **_will_ ** be. He lost his  _ tongue _ . He lost what  _ made _ him  _ Louis;  _ his  _ voice _ . There was no way to  _ fix _ it.

 Louis turned his body away from Aasim as the waterworks started. He wouldn’t be okay again. He knew he wouldn’t. Ignoring what happened didn’t work, that’s what he been trying. Nothing will work, nothing except him magically growing his tongue back.

 “Let’s go back to our dorm, okay?”

 Yeah… funny enough him and Aasim shared a dorm room. Louis mindlessly followed the other to the room where he just got into his bed, turned to the wall.

 Aasim sat on his bed, looking up at the mattress above him, someone slept there once... Tenn and Willy were in a room; Ruby, Brody — when she was alive — and Violet were in another; Clem and AJ in where the twins used to be; and Omar and Mitch were in the last one.

 “Louis? Omar asked if he could come in here tonight, since… Mitch is… and he doesn’t want to be by himself.”

 The boy in the trench coat shrugged.

 “Okay, I’ll go get him, I’ll be right next door,” with his footsteps and the door being put ajar.

 Not much later two footsteps followed and the door was closed. No one said anything, they all just got in the beds and tried to sleep.

 Louis had only feigned sleep, unable to get any real rest, and when he was startled by sniffling, he was confused. He looked over to see Aasim, knees to his chest, he was crying.

Louis, powerless to do anything at all, he watched. He wanted to help, _say_ **_something_** that could help his friend. Aasim _never_ cried and now he was full blown _sobbing_ and he couldn’t do **_anything_** to help him. He was one to bottle everything up, not let his emotions mess with the group.

 “Aasim?” Omar got down from the top bunk, sitting on the edge of the bed.

 “Huh?” Aasim looked up before trying to clean his face with his sleeve, “s-sorry. Did I wake you up?”

 Omar sighed. “No. I couldn’t sleep.”

 “Oh.”

 “What’s wrong?”

 The two talked under their breath so Louis couldn’t hear them, but he knew what it was about, and he couldn’t stop feeling so guilty. They were going to cut off Aasim’s arm, he’s the best archer — now that Marlon was gone — and he loved writing, he would feel awful. After that, they… they were going to force feed him his friends’ tongues.

 And it was his fault for not listening at first. For not cooperating. He shouldn’t have talked in the first place, they would all be in one piece and it… Louis tried to not cry, muffling himself with the pillow. It wasn’t about him right now. It was for Aasim. They all needed help and comfort and Louis got enough for today. Just because he’s the only one physically hurt doesn’t mean the others are less valid. He got up and started to walk out of the room, being stopped by Omar.

 “Where are you going?”

 Journal in hand, he wrote,  _ ‘I don’t know, I can’t sleep and I just want out of the room.’ _

 “Okay…” Omar obviously didn’t buy it.

 Louis sighed. _ ‘I’m going by Mar’s grave. I know you guys don’t like he’s there but he was—’ _

 Omar was watching as Louis wrote, putting his hand up to stop him. “Don’t have to explain. Go ahead.”

 He smiled weakly before heading off to Marlon’s grave. Even after all the shit he pulled, Louis couldn’t hate him. Just… couldn’t. He didn't know why, but Mar had been his best friend since  _ before _ , and he guessed that's why.

 Oh, if Marlon could see the broken state he is in now. What would he say? His best friend since childhood was now broken all because he couldn’t  _ shut up. _

 Arms wrapped around himself, he cried as Rosie walked over, laying her head in his lap. He smiled and pet her.

 The graveyard was getting too big… Minerva, Sophie, Brody, Marlon, Mitch, and Ms. Martian… they didn’t start burying the dead until two years ago, but no one ‘died’ until a year ago.

 He mindlessly sat there until someone touched his shoulder— he froze, trying not to start panicking. He’s fine,  _ he’s fine,  _ **_he’s fucking fine._ ** He didn’t move.

 “I’m sorry, Louis, it’s just me,” Ruby’s voice let his shoulders relax.

 He looked up at her before looking down at Rosie, he gave her a scratch behind the ear.

 “You want some company? I know everyone’s been… well with Marlon, but I get it, Louis. I… I…”

 Louis sighed and shrugged, he’d been doing a lot of that lately.

 Ruby sat down and glanced at Ms. Martin’s grave and then at Marlon’s. She looked… sad, more so than normal when she was at the graveyard.

 He cocked his head as if to ask ‘what’s up?’

 “I don’t know, that’s the problem,” she sighed. “Y’all ever get this heavy weight on your chest that you just can’t find the reason for?”

 Thinking for a second, he shook his head. He could always figure out the reason why he felt the way he did, even if the reason was stupid or unreasonable, he knew why.

 “Oh. Well, uh. Yeah. I feel like I  _ did  _ something wrong and I don’t know  _ what  _ …” Ruby sighed, burying her face in her hands.

 Louis opened his arms looking for a hug.

 “Aww, I’d love to give Rosie a hug,” she laughed giving the dog in Louis’ lap a hug before actually giving Louis the hug.

 He laughed and returnees the quick hug.

 “Thanks.”

 The boy smiled, staring at Rosie, he should head back to his dorm. He attempted to whistle for her to get off but… he couldn’t. He looked down, tears already starting to form in his eyes.

 Ruby whistled to get Rosie off of him, she moved to sit on her knees in front of him. “Louis, you with me?”

 With her? Does she mean focused? Kinda… he just shrugged.

 “Well, can you look at me?”

 His chocolate brown eyes glossy with tears met her stern but kind teal colored ones. He tried his best not to look away.

 “It’s gonna be okay. I can’t fix it… I can’t just give you a new tongue, but it will be okay, Louis. I know you what you’re thinking, that this is the end of the line, but it ain’t. You’re Louis, you’re still you. And I… I get that it’s probably hard to remember that, but you ain’t giving up, right? Louis, you can’t. We need you, it doesn’t matter if you have to write every single joke, or we all have to learn sign language so you can sign them, we want  _ you  _ back. So please tell me you aren’t giving up.”

 He nodded, tears flowing down his face already. He can’t give up… he just can’t.

 “I don’t know what to do to get you to believe you’re not worthless. I don’t know how to help you, but I will try, Lou. I’m not just the nurse here, okay? If you want to talk, I’m always ready to lend an ear.”

 He finally broke his gaze, looking at his hands. He smiled and pointed at his eye.

 She smiled, “Ah, yes, ready to lend an eye too, gotta read what you—”

 “Ruby!”

 The redhead perked up and turned to look at Tenn. “What is it?”

 ”I don’t know, come here, I don’t know what’s happening!”

 She got up, “Louis, I’m sorry, I need to go. You should head back to your dorm, okay?”

 He nodded and with that, she ran off. Slowly getting up he made his way back to the dorm. When he opened the door, he saw Aasim still crying, knees to his chest, but Omar was back on the top bunk, faced to the wall.

 Louis cocked his head.

 Aasim sighed, “I said the wrong thing,” he had his pillow covering his mouth.

 Taking off his trench coat, Louis sighed, taking a seat on his bed.

 “Don’t worry about it, Louis.”

 “Omar, I’m sorry.”

 “I don’t care. I just want some sleep.”

 It hurt Louis to see them like this… everyone was so closely knitted at one point and when the twins— god Marlon really did fuck everything up, didn’t he? Now everyone was so distant, maybe that was the raiders fault…

 Laying down on the bed, Louis found sleep to be difficult, but eventually, it came along, and it felt nice.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this isn't up to par with the rest.

As Clem and AJ were getting better, Louis stayed in his room. Sometimes he’d lay on his bed, sometimes he’d be on the floor, and rarely he’d be at the desk. He’d have dark thoughts flow through his head as he’d try to ignore them. Going through his mind was death and pain… and it  _ scared _ him.

Ruby and Vi both tried to come and talk to him, but he didn’t budge. Most of the time he’d get startled from the knock on the door and have a panic attack, finding himself back on that boat where he’d just cry. He’d feel so vulnerable, and he just wanted the pain to end.

He wanted to be left alone. Even when AJ tried to talk to him, he couldn’t do it. Louis was hurt, and he just wanted it to end. He wanted the emotional pain to stop, the pain in his mouth had already gone, why can’t his heart? His friends are there, helping him get better, but he found it hard to take the first step himself.

Louis didn’t even want to look in the mirror, it hurt to see his own reflection. When he got to the school, Louis was a jerk, made fun of kids for things out of their control. How they dressed, their possessions, mannerisms, how they spoke, and the one he regretted the most… who people loved. He regretted doing all of it, but in all, it was just a ploy to hide the fact that he hated himself then, a spoiled brat who ruined his parents’ marriage with no feelings about it.

Violet was the one to knock some sense into him, and she’s also the person Louis told everything to. How he just wanted to go home, and he didn’t think anyone should be seen as less because they can’t dress nice all the time, or afford everything they wanted. People shouldn't be ridiculed because they have an accent and may not be able to speak correctly or because of who they love. He explained to her just how fucked in the head.

Now Louis hates himself once again, not knowing when to shut the fuck up and not endanger everyone he loves and cares about. He could have just tried to calm Omar down silently instead of fighting back and getting his tongue cut out. He hates himself for his messy handwriting, the fact he’ll start drooling out of nowhere, his loss of motivation and so many other things.

“I don’t know what to do. When I knock on Lou's door… he panics, I walk in, the same thing happens.”

“What can we do Vi? I don’t know if there is anything.”

“I don’t know! Just— he’s hurting, and no matter what I do I’m making it fucking worse.”

“I told you that I found a book on sign language—”

“What the fuck, Ruby?! Sign language isn’t going to give him his tongue back. Are you serious? He can’t talk! Louis can’t talk! Our Louis! Ruby, he’s hurting so much, and it’s not just physical anymore.”

“Would ya let me finish?! You’re right, Vi, but since he got back, Omar, Aasim, Tenn and I have been learning it. So has AJ when he woke up and was feeling better, and Willy started yesterday. He will never get his tongue back, but dammit, we can get our Louis back. The Louis that always jokes around with that shit eating grin on his face, asking all of us if we need help, the Louis that makes fun of Aasim, checks up on everybody and is so sweet to AJ and Tenn…”

Violet was speechless— at least that was Louis’ guess because she didn’t respond, he could hear Ruby sigh.

“He’s hurting, and we just want to see him okay again. If he doesn’t want to use sign language, I can help AJ and Willy read better so Louis can just write down what he wants to say.”

“You’re right… I’ll… I’ll try and learn it with you?”

“Alright, I’ll go get…” her voice trailed off as they walked away.

Louis pulled his knees to his chest. All that work for him? Really? Learning what was basically a whole new language just so could talk to them again… He smiled, imagining Ruby searching through the Library for the “Complete American Sign Language Book” or whatever the name was. He remembered it was a super thick book. Louis sighed before getting up and putting on his coat and his boots. He wanted to go say hi to AJ anyway, apologize for getting mad at him the day before. The boy wanted to just sit in the room with Louis -- not even talk -- but once AJ couldn’t read what Louis had written in his journal due to his poor handwriting, he just shoved the five-year-old out of his room, slamming the door shut.

When he finished walking to the admin building, he noticed that AJ had his back turned, remembering not to come up behind him, he gets into his field of view. He bent down to the kid’s level, arms open wide.

“Louis!” he gave Louis a tight hug, he obviously forgot or didn't care about whatever happened the day before. “You’re okay, you’re okay…”

A smile plastered itself onto his face as he returned the hug. AJ was so happy to see him… Louis was glad to see him too. The memory of him on that recovery couch in the nurses upset him so much… The little kid has probably gone through more than all the kids at the school. It hurts him even to think about it, the kid is only five and he already has terrible enough trauma from people walking behind him to be terrifying.

Louis released a sigh, jumping and quickly turned when he heard footsteps.

Vi walked into the area and stopped when she saw Louis, surprised to see him out of his room, he had only been locked up for four days… “Oh. Hey… you’re awake, how are you feeling?”

He waved halfheartedly at her before shrugging. He felt sorry for making everyone so worried about him, but he has to ignore that. They just care about him, and that’s it, no pity.

“Oh! Louis,” Ruby smiled, holding a book and he pointed at it, cocking his head slightly and furring his brows. “Oh, we’ve been learning sign language, and Vi wanted to start. Do… you want to try? We’ve been trying to learn it recently so

Louis nodded. When he heard them in the hallway… he just had to work harder. His hand cramped up too easily writing what he had to say.

They all sat down in the music room and went over everything. The alphabet, how to sign everyone’s names, as well as some things like thank you, you’re welcome, asking for help or if anyone needs it and other things. Grammar was weird in the language, but it was a lot better than writing everything down.

A few days later, they were having people try and read what Louis was signing, and AJ was struggling.

“AJ, it’s okay. Louis, try again.”

‘Do you need any help?’ he pulled his thumb up, smiling softly at AJ.

“You… I can’t remember!” the tot was frustrated, throwing his fists in the air. “This is stupid why can’t this just be easy?”

Ruby put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. We’re learning. He asked if you need help. You want to try something easier?”

“Let Vi try.”

Louis smiled weakly at her before wiping his mouth, he hadn’t started drooling, but it became a habit for him.

He sighed, Violet was learning quickly, as so was he, they were both already in the last part of the beginner’s section. He laughed and promptly signed something he’d know she’d ‘love.’

‘I hate cantaloupe,’ he signed with a smirk on his face, laughing when she groans at him.

“Really Louis? You gotta drag your hate for cantaloupes in here?” she smiled, head in her hands as she groaned at him. “I will never get your absolute hatred for those things.”

“That’s how you know it’s Louis,” Ruby snickered.

AJ crosses his arms. “I’ve never had cantaloupe.”

‘They’re awful,” Louis signed with a stern face. Louis’ mom tried to get him to eat a bowl of them, he took one bite and sat at the table for hours on end until his mom gave in and just let him eat an apple. He hated cantaloupe.

“Louis, they taste bad, but they aren’t as bad as you say they are.”

He shrugged, a massive smile on his face.

Ruby shook her head. “Alright. Try—”

Tenn came running in the room, frantic. “Clem is up, but she’s uh, well she is freaking out,” his eyes danced around as he tried to get Ruby to look at him.

Clem had already woken up a few days ago, but Ruby told her to sleep, and she did.

“AJ, Louis, come with me, uh Vi, go get Aasim and Omar?”

“Yeah, I’ll go.”

‘What’s wrong?’ He signed. He’s worried about Clem… a lot. She has been just resting for the past few days, and he’s barely gotten to see her.

“She probably is just panicking, Lou.”

‘Right,’ he tapped his right pointer finger on his left before putting his hands to his side and followed Ruby to the office.

Clem was pinned against the wall, looking around and when she spotted everyone, she started crying. “You’re not dead, none of you are dead.”

“We’re here. Alive. You are too.”

“Everyone always dies, they always die. Ben, Duck, Sarah, Rebecca, Alvin, Sarita, Carlos, Nick, Luke, Jane, Kenny, Mari, Conrad, Ava, Tripp, Kate… Lee… they all died… I did it.”

‘What’s wrong?’

“Survivor’s guilt… something traumatic happens, and the survivor or survivors blame themselves for the deaths…” Ruby sighed. “Clem, it isn't your fault they died.

Louis thought for a second before kneeling in front of her. ‘I’m okay,’ he signed before realizing Clem didn’t know and looked up at Ruby. Clem was acting so out of character, and it’s understandable…

“He said that he’s okay.”

She hugged him tightly. “I thought you died… I’m so sorry Louis, I love you. I love you so much.”

He wrapped his arms around her, giving her a tight hug back before letting go. ‘I love you too.’

“He said… he said I love you too,” Ruby softly smiled before AJ ran through, jumping into her arms.

“AJ?”

The boy cried, tightly hugging his mother-figure. “Clem! You’re okay!”

Louis took a step back to let the kid hug Clem. “I’m okay! I’m glad you’re okay.”

AJ laughed before he started crying. “I thought I lost you. I thought… don’t leave me, Clem.”

“Oh, no. I won’t leave you, ever, AJ.”

‘Is V-I still getting A-A-S-I-M and O-M-A-R?’ Louis signed, turning to Ruby.

“They should have just been in the courtyard. You want to go see what’s up?”

‘Sure,’ he smiled before heading outside, Violet and Omar glanced at him, he raised an eyebrow.

“Uh, can’t find Aasim. He started crying and walked off.”

Forgetting how to sign ‘what happened’ Louis again just raised an eyebrow, hoping that’ll help.

“I don’t know.”

Louis sighed. ‘The library?’ He made a circle shape with an L with an unimpressed look on his face. Of course, they would forget to check the library, Aasim was the only one to use it.

“Oh. Right.”

‘It’s A-A-S-I-M home.’

“Will you go check if he’s there, pleases?”

A nod and he was off to the library, where lo and behold, Aasim was. He sat down next to the boy.

Holding his fist out about to start signing Aasim’s name, he put his hand on top of Louis’ and pushed it away.

“I’m not okay, stop asking.”

Louis, a little upset Aasim didn’t even let him try to talk to him, raised an eyebrow.

“Everything just feels wrong! They ruined fucking everything, Louis! I can’t stand to be around you or Omar anymore because I just start feeling awful, and I don’t know.”

Louis grabbed his notebooks and scribbled something down.  _ ‘You’re hurting, and everyone’s been too focused on me to help you. All three of us were hurt. Just because I was the only one physically hurt doesn’t mean my pain is more important than your's or Omar's. I’m so sorry for having to put you through Lilly’s sick and twisted threats just because I can’t shut up.’ _

“Louis, it’s… it’s fine.”

‘No it’s not,’ he signed.

“I’ll get over it, okay?”

An eyebrow is raised.

Aasim groaned. “Look, I am going to be fine. I think I just need a little time alone.”

‘You can talk to us, you know,’ Louis smiled weakly at him. ‘I’m mute, not deaf,’ he pulled his finger down from his ear to his mouth.

“I know, okay. Now I want some time alone, okay?”

‘C-L-E-M-E-N-T-I-N-E is awake, R-U-B-Y said to come to the nurses’ office,’ he signed before putting his hands down, realizing Aasim isn’t even looking at him. He made a small sound, trying again to see if he’d look what he was trying to sign. Out of frustration he wrote it down and tried shoving it in his face. He ended up just throwing it at the boy and walking out without his journal.

He didn’t even look at Louis. It made him feel almost depressed and pissed off at the same time. He slumped as he walked to the nurse's office. He didn’t even try to see what Louis was saying. He just kept in his sad little world while Louis stood in front of Ruby trying not to cry.

“Did you find him?”

‘Yes,’ Louis narrowed his eyes. He signed nothing else.

“Uh, then where is he?”

‘Still in the library,’ he put his hands down. Looking at them before crossing his arms.

Ruby sighed. “Alright, it’s fine. We don’t need to overwhelm her anyway,” she walked over to Clem. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine? I think. Not used to having to explain my pain,” the laugh that came from her broke Louis’ heart into a thousand pieces. “My back’s just sore…”

“Hey, Lou, can you go grab me a bottle of water—”

“Can I help?” AJ smiled, looking at Ruby happily.

“You can go help Louis with the water, that’s all I need right now.”

The boy smiled and followed Louis to the pantry.

“How many bottles do you think she will she need?” the little boy asked, eyes narrowed as he looked around for the water, smiling when he found it.

Louis held up two fingers with his left hand and shrugged, saying ‘maybe two?’. He didn't know what Ruby even needed it for.

“Okay!” AJ grabbed one and gave it to Louis before grabbing another one. “Let’s go back to Clem.”

Louis smiled, following AJ back to the nurse’s office. Giving Ruby the water. ‘We got two just in case.’

“I only need one right now, but thanks.”

Louis took a chair, sitting down and watching Ruby as she gave Clem the water. It was quiet until something metal crashed— it scared Louis enough that he fell out of his chair and moved his way into the corner, knees to his chest, head hidden with his arms.

Omar stared at his hands, he had caused the small crash, one of the medicine cabinet doors that were leaned up against the counter fell onto the floor. He was trying to find a rag for Ruby and ended up making it fall over.

He couldn’t hear anything but the sounds of that damn boat as he tried to push himself as far as he could into the corner. Hyperventilating he moved his hands to his hair where he yanked harshly on his dreadlocks, trying to find something to grab onto.

AJ sat down next to him and said nothing, or at least Louis heard nothing, the boy just made sure he was in the teen’s view.

Louis closed his eyes and tried to take deep breaths, failing as his hands go to cover his ears. He can’t hear anything but the sounds of the boat moving. He has to be quiet, they want him to stay calm.

“Look at me, Louis.”

Ruby? She… she wasn’t on the boat, why is she here? Did… did they get her too? Did he fuck everything up that much? Is everyone here now? God, he’s such a fuck up. The Delta was going to torture everyone in the most personal way possible, that's what Lilly said in the beginning... too bad he didn't listen.

“You’re safe here, okay? Look at me, please,” she knelt down in front of him, her eyes showing pure care. “They can’t hurt you here. They can’t.”

He opened his eyes and looked up at her as his hands came away from his ears. He was shaking and still hyperventilating, he can’t calm down. He can’t.

“They’ll never touch you again, okay? Never. Not if I have anything—”

He jumped to hug her, arms wrapped around her as he struggled not to cry more. Heavy sobbing into her shoulder, his drool getting on her flannel, she didn’t seem to mind.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay…” Ruby hugged Louis back.

He nodded sniffling, pushing off of her he signed ‘sorry.’ He hadn’t panicked like that for almost a week now. He’s had panic attacks, but never to the point, he found himself actually on the boat.

“Don’t be. It’s okay. You want to go to your dorm?”

He slowly shook his head. He wanted to stay here, he didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to be alone. Pointing to the drool on her shoulder he apologized again, wiping his mouth for drool.

“Hey, it’s okay. I drool when I cry too much, it’s fine, just a wash and we’re good to go,” Ruby smiled. “But, okay. If you’re sure about staying in here…” she sighed, walking back over to Clem.

“Clem said that’s trauma. She said I have it from the Ranch…” AJ smiled weakly.

‘I’m okay,’ he signed.

“You should come with me! Tenn and I are going to color today!”

“Louis, could you watch them, please?” Clem asked softly. “I just need someone to keep an eye on AJ.”

He pointed at himself with a perplexed look. ‘Me?’

“Yeah. I don’t trust anyone other than you to watch AJ without me being there… just, watch them draw and maybe do a little pose and let them draw you?”

He laughed, sighed, and nodded, letting AJ drag him up to Marlon’s old office.

“AJ— Louis?”.

‘Hi T-E-N-N,’ he signed, sitting down. ‘Drawing today?’

“Louis, are you feeling better? Yeah, we’re just drawing.”

A nod. Louis felt a little better.

“That’s good,” Tenn smiled. “AJ and I are just drawing. Do you want to join? I think I can find some loose leaf paper?”

‘You two have fun, I’ll just watch.’

“You don’t want to draw?”

‘I’m good T-E-N-N,’ he smiled at the other.

The two kids started drawing as Louis quietly watched. He smiled at them as AJ jumped in front of him, scaring him into a laughing fit. He covered his mouth with his hand -- one, out of habit, two, they don't need to see the damage.

“Louis?”

He gave a thumbs up. ‘Just scared me.’

“He sometimes laughs when he gets scared,” Tenn smiled. “I don’t know why, but he does.”

AJ furrowed his brows before handing Louis a paper. “I drew you. Your hair is hard though.”

Louis smiled, looking at the drawing, AJ tried hard to draw his dreads, but they just looked like sticks. His smile only grew when he saw the black shaded tooth in the area Louis is missing one. ‘Thank you, A-J,’ he signed, and the boy smiled, going back to his drawing. Louis looked over at Tenn and raised an eyebrow, tapping Tenn on the shoulder, ‘is that M-I-N-N-I-E?’

“Yeah…” Tenn sighed. “I wanted to draw her. I don’t know why.”

A smile formed on his lips. ‘Its great, T-E-N-N.’

“Thanks.”

Louis quickly turned around upon hearing a knock on the door. He cocked his head and narrowed his eyes, opening it to find Aasim standing there with his journal in hand.

“Hey.”

Crossing his arms, Louis raised an eyebrow.

“Look, I am here to apologize, okay? I was an asshole, all you did was try and tell me something but, I ignored you.”

‘It’s okay.’

Aasim nodded, “Uh… Here,” he held out the journal Louis had left in the library with him.

Louis put his left hand to his chin, pulling it down saying ‘thank you.’ Almost immediately, he realized his mistake. He was supposed to sign that with his dominant hand; his right-hand.

“You’re right-handed, you’re supposed to sign thank you with your right hand.”

Louis rolled his eyes, death staring Aasim. Mistakes happen. He sighed, turning away.

Aasim went to touch Louis on the shoulder, but the other jumped back, turning to him.

“Don’t-- don’t touch me,” Louis responded, verbally, and despite how wrong it sounded, he didn’t freak out, once again having to wipe the drool from his face. Both Tenn and AJ looked at each other, fear, or at least concern, in their eyes. ‘I’ll be in the music room,’ he sighed, taking his journal from Aasim and leaving.

Louis passed his music room and heads straight to the dorm where he knocks on Violet and Ruby’s door. He doesn’t know why he was standing in front of their door, but he was.

The blonde opens it, yawing, Ruby must have sent her to get rest after she fixed her finger, and looking at him. “Lou? Are you okay?”

He shook his head, hugging himself.

“What happened?”

Louis sighed, grabbing his journal.  _ ‘Aasim gave my journal back after I left it with him in the library and he tried to grab my shoulder. I verbally told him not to touch me. It sounded wrong, Vi.’ _

Violet closed her eyes and held out her arms which Louis gladly took the hug. “Hey, it's okay… don’t worry,” she smiled weakly. “Why did you speak? You hadn't said anything verbally since, well, that one time when you got back-- Ruby told me, Lou.”

He shrugged. But he knew exactly why. Aasim didn’t let him sign or even look at his notebook. Something told him that verbally telling Aasim of was the only way to get him to stop.

“Look at me, hey, it’s okay.”

He shrugged, pushing out of the hug.

“Louis, look at me.”

His eyes met hers as she smiled reassuringly at him.

“You know you can just cry if you need to, right?”

He tapped his right-hand pointer finger onto his left-hand pointer; 'right.'

“Of course, but there is nothing wrong with feeling angry. Tell me what happened with Aasim that made you talk.”

_ ‘He just ignored my sign language and didn’t read what I wrote down. Something just told me to speak.’ _

“You know he didn't mean anything by it. He bottles up his emotions and well he becomes an asshole without realizing it.”

Louis nodded. ‘I know.’

“Louis, I am so sorry, you didn't deserve to get your tongue cut out. If I tried harder, maybe you would have been safe. I know it’s not my fault that… that they did this to you, but I can’t help but feel I could have stopped it,” she grabbed his shoulders, “I don’t know what to do.”

Louis shook his head, writing in his journal.  _ ‘You and Ruby are doing more than I could ask for, there’s nothing else you can do other than help me heal on my own as you have been.’ _

Violet waited for him to finish, fidgeting with her hands -- which she never does -- and sighed when she read it. “Lou…”

He held up a finger, flipping to the back of the book, a page titled Ruby and the one next to it labeled Violet, torn out pages and pencil marks show that whatever it is, Louis spent time on it.  _ ‘It’s not your fault, Vi. I know you think it is, that everything would have been okay if Clem would have saved you, but that’s not true. I never blamed you. You are one of my best friends; you saw through me when everyone else saw a spoiled brat. You care about me, and I could never blame you for what happened to me. I love you, Vi.’ _

Violet looked up at Louis, tears in her eyes. “I love you too, Lou,” she laughed through the cracks.

Louis weakly smiled before he wiped his mouth for any drool, his new habit.

Hugging Violet, he smiled.

  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

     _Back in_ that _cell, Louis felt blood pouring down his face and down his neck._ Make it stop, _make it stop,_ **_make it stop._ **

_“When will you learn to only speak when told?!”_

_His dad?_

_“Honestly, son, if you keep this up, they may not want to come over again. We_ need _this. So please, act your age and_ **_shut your mouth._ ** _”_

_Louis covered his ears, starting to cry._

_“Honey, leave him be, he is a child. He’s still learning. Remember the doctors told us it’s simply trial and error.”_

_“Yes, but they’re also making him take this medicine for something I don’t even think he has! He needs to learn to control his behavior. You have spoiled him too much! Giving him whatever he wants!”_

_Feeling a shadow fall over him, Louis curled up more, trying to hide. Why are his parents here? Why? Haven’t they noticed the blood?_

_“He’s only nine!”_

_“Dear, I know his age. He needs to learn to_ **_shut up_ ** _when he’s told to.”_

_Still crying, Louis could still feel the pain from his mouth, and his father yelling at him._

 Louis jerked awake, breathing heavy as he quickly covered his mouth. Stop panicking, _stop panicking,_ **_stop fucking panicking, it wasn’t that bad._ **He’s had worse, and he’s been fine… he just needed to calm down… he could do it.

 The tears started to fall as he got lost in his headspace; he had been having a lot of dark thoughts. He had his good days, and he had bad days, and now he was thinking about his parents. He loved them dearly, but even thinking about them now scared him.

 When he was a kid, he thought his parents were terrible; more so his dad. He would implicate all these rules and Louis had always struggled to follow them. He never got a single hand laid on him, and most of the time it was just his dad pleading him to just listen to the rules. He knew now his parents weren't awful, rather just hard. 

 What would his parents think now? They always told him to be doing something; to stay productive. But these days he would sit in his bed wishing he was dead. He couldn’t go back to how he was before, so what was the point? The real Louis was gone, and the broken man that took his place was probably only making it worse for everyone.

 Tears streamed down his face as his hiccuped, his mind just telling him to do it, _hurt yourself,_ **_end your pain_ **.

 Aasim has taken sleeping in the library instead of their dorm, but Omar stayed. Louis was surprised his constant sobbing didn’t wake up the chef. Or maybe it did, and he didn’t do anything about it; Louis wouldn’t blame him.

 His dark thoughts had grown a lot in the past four days, and not in good ways. Nails dug into and started to break into his skin as he struggled to keep his apparent sobbing quiet.

 Quickly, he grabbed his jacket and his boots, getting up from his bed and headed straight for the nurse’s office. Careful not to disturb Ruby -- she had been sleeping in there instead of her room for a while now--, he looks for something to carry out the deed. He knew they kept his knife from him, _was it in here?_ He heard Violet say she locked it up in one of the drawers.

He smiled weakly when he found it, grabbing it and started walking out of the room. When he was in the doorway...

 “Louis?”

 He dropped the knife he had found -- _his_ knife they kept away from him and turned to look at Ruby wide-eyed. Fuck, _oh fuck,_ **_oh fuck_ ** . She caught him, now he can’t, _he’s just trying to do them all_ **_favor_ **.

 “What are you doing?” her voice flooded with concern as she stared at the boy.

 ‘Nothing,’ he signed before realizing it’s too dark for her to see. He sighed and made that ‘I don’t know’ sound. It's not like he can just _say_ what he’s doing; even if he could, he probably wouldn't.

Ruby didn't believe that. “Louis, why do you have a knife? Is that yours?”

 Blinking slowly, he shrugged. He can't let her know, _he can't,_ **_he can't_ ** . She would try and tell him that he can’t do it, that they all care for him; she wouldn’t be able to see he’s doing it _for_ them.

 Ruby wasn't happy with that answer. “Come here,” she said softly, sitting up. “Come on, sit on the chair or something,” she pointed to the chair by her bed.

 Louis sits in the chair across from her trying to ignore the tight pulling on his chest. ‘What?’ he could sign now that the window had at least a little light. At least she could _see_ what he was trying to say.

 “What are you doing in the office so late looking for your knife? What were you going to do with it?” she said firmly, but still had the soft Ruby voice. “Were you… Louis were you going to hurt yourself with it?” her voice dropped into a hurt tone. “Louis, tell me, now. I need you to tell me if you were going to hurt yourself with your knife.”

 A slow, but terrified nod as he tried to stop tears from flowing. ‘I can’t do this anymore, R-U-B-Y,’ he started shaking as tears started to fall, he could have just lied. He’s so stupid. Why didn’t he just **_lie_ ** ? The redhead didn’t need to _know_ , she had felt with enough of Louis’ problems already. She was the one to clean him up, she was the one who gave him the journal, she was the one who taught him sign language; she has done _enough_ for him.

 “Yes, you can. You can’t give up. We love you, and we don’t want to see you hurting like this. Please, do not just give up. We want to see you get better.”

 Louis bolted up, starting to pace, hands in his hair as he pulled on his dreads. Get better? Get _better_ ? How _dumb_ did they think he was? He knows that they meant they want him back to the way he acted before. He can’t just _get_ **_better_ ** , he wasn’t Louis anymore, he couldn’t be. He’s just some _broken toy_ , empty of anything he used to be. He can’t talk, he can’t joke, he can't _sing_ . He’s not _Louis._ He doesn't think he’ll ever be able to be himself again.

 Ruby, sweet, kind-hearted Ruby, got up to hug him. “It’s gonna be okay.”

 “No.”

“Louis, please, killing yourself isn’t the answer. I promise you, it’ll be okay.”

 Hearing that, tears started to flow faster. Louis released himself from the hug, backing himself up into the wall close by. Why can’t they see it? Is he the only one who could? He’s a hindrance on them, they could be working on better surviving, preparing for the Delta but **_no_ **! They’re focusing on him! He is a hindrance to them all, and they can’t see it!

 “You can take my bed, I don’t help comfortable leaving you alone, so I want you in here,” she sighed, walking close to him, “I’ll take one of the cots.”

  _Great, you’re making Ruby sleep on a_ ** _fucking recovery couch_** _while you take_ ** _her_** _bed_.

 Ruby grabbed his shoulder softly, “I don’t know how to make you feel better… but I won’t stop trying. Louis, I want to help you, we all do, but you have to let us try first.”

 Louis just glanced at the bed, anywhere but her face. God, he _really_ is _pathetic, isn’t he?_ He heard Ruby sigh and let go where he proceeded to take off his boots and coat to get in the bed.

 Ruby tried talking to him, but he ignored her and laid in the bed trying not to cry. His own pillow had enough tear and slobber stains on it, he didn’t need to mess with Ruby’s.

 He didn’t need to bother them any more than he already has. He just _can’t._

~~

 Louis was awake, sitting on one of the couches, blankly staring off into the distance. Clem and Ruby were talking, listening to what they said, he felt his heart sink, the heavy weight on his chest worsening.

 “I thought you said he was getting better. Ruby, you told me he was going to get better!”

 “Clementine, you should probably know by now, recovery isn’t a straightforward thing. There’s going to be a lot of ups and downs,” the southerner said calmly.

 “Ups and downs?! What-- Ruby, he came in the office looking for his knife so he could hurt himself! Kill himself! I think it’s a little more than just ups and downs!”

 Ruby kept her clam, “That’s exactly what it is. Feelings of worthlessness, thoughts of harmin’ oneself, and other things. We just need to help him,” she said softly. “We can’t make Lou feel trapped, but we still need to show him we are here for him.”

 “What… what can I do to help him?” The pure **_pain_ ** in Clem’s voice squeezed on Louis’ heart **_hard_ **.

 “Just let him know you’re there. I think he thinks that… that we just want the old Louis back, and I mean… I do, but not the way he thinks.”

 “You just want to see him smile for real again, telling jokes and just being happy…”

 “To be honest, if he just would touch his fucking piano I would be happy. God, I remember when Violet and Louis had a fight over if they should use it as firewood or not,” Ruby sounded hurt. “Now I feel like he wouldn’t even care…”

 “Yeah, he told me about that…”

 Louis hid his face in his arms, rested above his knees. He didn’t realize he was hurting them. If he just _left_ , the pain would be short and wouldn’t be prolonged. Somewhere deep in Louis’ mind, he was screaming at himself for being so stupid, but it was too muted for him to listen to.

 He didn’t realize he started crying until Clem came over, “Louis?”

 He turned his head, so he didn't have to look at her. He _couldn’t_ look at her. How could he? Louis had _hurt_ her, the girl he _loved._

 “Louis, look at me, please,” her voice just said _hurt_.

 He didn’t, he just blankly stared at the wall. There was no movement other than his breathing. Clem deserved so much better than **_him_ ** . Someone who could talk to her when she needed it. Not some _broken toy_ that sat on the bed with either no emotions or too many.

 Clem said nothing in response, just backed up and sighed.

 “Just give him some space--”

 "Space?! Ruby he might-- I just. Fuck, I can't lose him too. Everyone who has ever cared for me is gone, they're dead, or they disappeared, or-- I was too scared of them leaving, _I_ left,” Clem sounded like she was about to start crying. “Ruby, please, I can’t lose him.”

 “Clem. Look at him, he’s right there. I’ll make sure he’s okay. Alright?”

 “Okay… okay.”

 “Now go ahead and go on your lookout.”

 Clem sighed. “Okay. I’ll be back…” the sound of her footsteps leaving echoed in the hall and Louis tightly grabbed onto his coat trying to find something to bring him into reality.

 “Louis.”

 He looked up and met her eyes.

 “How long have to felt like this? That you have to kill yourself?”

 He shrugged and held up a four with his left hand. ‘Four days?’ there is no point in him lying anymore

 “Why didn’t you say anything?”

 Louis shrugged, moving to have his feet hang over the side of the couch. ‘Temporary.' That was true, he thought he was having a bad day, and it just got _worse and_ **_worse_ **.

 "Still, you should have told us, Louis. This is something serious. Halie killed Jessica  when she turned, and Yen made Kyle kill himself because he got bit by her."

 ‘I’m not dumb,’ he signed, them making a stabbing motion to his head.

 Ruby groaned in frustration, “do you think that makes it better, Louis?! No! It doesn’t. Just because you said you’d kill yourself by head doesn’t make me feel better! Louis, that’s still killing yourself. We don’t want you to die.”

 “I know, okay?” Louis _said_ the words a garbled mess. "I don't know why, but I can't stop it," he started crying at just the sound of his voice. It sounded so _wrong_.

 “Louis…”

 The boy stood up and just ran out of the room. _Somewhere else, somewhere, anywhere._ He frantically moved to the music room, closing the door and sliding down it.

 “Louis… Louis, please.”

 He shook his head. No, no, no.

 “Fine… I’ll come and check on you later, though…”

 Louis sat there, empty, glancing up to see AJ on the piano bench. Signing, Louis stood up, walking over. ‘What are you doing?’

 “I-I just wanted to play your piano… I’m sorry, I--”

 Louis held up a finger telling AJ to stop. ‘It’s okay.’

 Aj twirled his fingers, looking at the ground, the ceiling then at Louis, “Uh, can you do that again?”

 ‘It’s okay,’ he signed again, slower this time.

 “Ah! Okay, thank you… how do you do this?” AJ inquired, smiling.

 Louis smiled, grabbing some beginning piano books he had in a bin, he told Marlon keeping them would come in handy, they could be more than just fuel for a fire. ‘You start slow.’

 “Slow?”

 A nod. Louis smiled, playing a simple song, Mary Had A Little Lamb.

 AJ copied it almost entirely correct. “Like that?”

 Louis held his hand out for a fist bump which AJ gladly took.

 “Did I do it?”

 A happy nod. AJ was so adorable, Louis loved him so much. A kid in _this_ world is lucky to have the people AJ has.

 “Yay! I can play a song now!”

 ‘Good job A-J,’ Louis signed slowly. AJ still needed time to think and figure it out, but Louis didn’t mind going a little slow if that's what he had to do to have his voice back.

 The kid laughed, hugging the teen. They both turned when they hear **_loud_ ** arguments out the door.

 “What are you doing?”

 “I’m going to go talk to Lou.”

 “Ruby said not to. We might overwhelm him, were you not listening to Ruby a minute ago?”

 “I was!”

 Aasim’s voice was what he picked up, “we need to let him have some space. Let him have some time.”

 “Oh yeah! Time to fucking kill himself,” Vi’s voice, “Aasim, don’t you want answers? Like why the fuck he didn’t tell us? We could’ve helped him! I came to him when I got dark thoughts when Minnie ‘ _died_ ,' and I thought he would be smart enough to know he can come to me! I mean honestly--"

 “Violet, you know what they did was fucked up. They cut off your finger for Christ’s sake! They told him to shut up after he was passed out and sobbing, somehow, so of course, he won't be coming to you to say what happened. I don’t even want to--”

 “Aasim, will you just shut up?! You made him feel like he has to verbally talk around you! You’re probably the cause for all this! I don’t see you helping at all! You’re just wallowing around like a child! Oh, woe is me!”

 "You know what? Fuck you, Vi! Fuck you! I hope you know he isn't the only one hurting over this! Omar and I were also affected by what happened! They made us watch as they sliced it off, shoving burning hot metal in his mouth! They held me down about to cut off my arm if Lou didn't want to corporate! And if I talked, they would have force fed me Louis and Omar's tongues. I am sorry I am a little fucked up because of it! What I did was wrong, still, but I am not the cause of this! No one is at fault!"

 “I’m sorry I--”

 "Fuck you, Vi. Just, fuck you. You know better than anyone about psychological trauma yet you’re still an ass.”

"Fuck, "Louis whimpered out shakily. "Fuck!" he shouted, tears finding a way on his face. He started to chew his lip to calm himself down but ended up biting a chunk out of it. The taste of copper filled his mouth, and he found his way to the corner. People were now fighting over him. How does he manage to fuck everything up?

 He pulled his knees to his chest, crying, pain seething through his mouth just like his tongue was cut off again. His brain told him to just walk upstairs and finish himself off, but he knows one, the fall isn’t enough to kill him; two, as much as his brain tells him too, it’s not a good idea.

 The door creaked open making Louis whimper and curl up more. Focus on staying calm, just focus.

 “Louis? Louis! AJ just told me you’re--” Aasim bent down in front of him. “Hey, hey, why is your mouth bleeding?”

 Louis pointed at his lip which he bit a chunk out of.

 “Bit it?” Aasim asked when Louis nodded, he sighed. “Okay. Okay. Do you know where you are?”

 He shrugged. He can’t focus long enough. He doesn’t know where he is.

 “We’re in your music room… does that help?”

 ‘Home.’

 Aasim sighed. “Yeah…” he rubbed his arm. “Louis, you…”

 ‘I am fine.’

 “I doubt that, Louis. But if you say you’re fine, I won't bombard you with it, just know I am here for you. I’ll actually pay attention to what you’re trying to say. I… I am so sorry for making you feel like you have to verbally talk around me… you don’t have to unless you legitimately want to.”

 Louis shrugged, hiding in his knees.

 “I know you won’t believe me when I say that me, _Aasim_ , of all people, would miss you if you died…” he sighed. “But seriously, if you want to talk, write, sign, whatever, you can. And if you need help, I’m ready to be there. Please don’t forget that.”

 “Okay,” Louis let out.

 “I’ll leave you be, but I’m serious. If you need to talk, _come to_ **_me_ **.”

 Louis nodded, tightening his grip on his knees to his chest. Why did this have to happen to _him?_ All he wanted was to be back to _normal_ , laughing and joking again. The group has told him time and time again, he’s not useless, but he **_is._ **

 The sound of the door closing made him sigh. He glanced up at it and then at AJ who was nervously playing with his hands.

 “Do you want me to leave too?” AJ asked shyly.

 ‘If you want to,’ Louis signed slowly.

 “I wanna stay with you…” AJ rubbed his arm. “Will you help me better understand sign language? Violet helped me with the words, but I can’t get—”

 Louis smiled grabbing the book. ‘Color?’ he signed. Each of them has a colored bookmark-ribbon. All he knew was Ruby had red, Violet had purple, and Louis had green.

 “I’m the… uh. Maroon? I think that’s what it is called.”

 Opening the book, Louis sighed. AJ was only on chapter three. ‘Animals.’

 “Yes! Yes, I’m on animals!”

 Louis laughed. This was… it was great getting his mind off of whatever was going on as he helped AJ. It was… it was great.

  “I like rabbits,” AJ signed as he said.

  Shaking his head, Louis held up both his pointer and middle finger on both hand up to his head and bent them back, ‘rabbit.’

  “Oh!” AJ copied the motion. “I got it! Louis thank you!”

  ‘You’re welcome, A-J,’ Louis smiled, putting his hands back down onto the book to look at the next word.

  “My name is easy to sign… why don’t you come up with nicknames for everyone?” the boy asked.

  To that, Louis shrugged. He didn’t see the point when it’s easy to sign everyone’s name, even Clementine’s is easy.

  “Oh, okay… can we stop for now? Please?” the boy played with his hands… he was nervous.

  ‘Yes,’ Louis placed the maroon colored ribbon in the book, closing it.

  AJ smiled, looking at the piano. “Is that a heart? I noticed it at the party…”

  ‘Yes, C-L-E-M did it. She told me she loved me,’ Louis sighed, sitting on the bench, ‘it was right before the raiders came.’

  “Oh, I-I’m sorry.”

  Louis put his hand up, shaking his head. ‘It’s fine. Don’t worry.’

  “Clem told me to spend time with you because she said you were sad… do you want a hug? Those always make me happier,” he asked. “She didn’t say why you’re sad, but I think I know why.”

   Taken aback by thus, Louis sighed, ‘yes,’ he quickly took the boy’s hug with a weak, but still a real smile on his face. He knows AJ is there for him...

  “We love you, Louis.”


End file.
